Читаем Strange Sally Diamond полностью

I hated him. I told Tina that I would like to kill him. He had committed a horrific crime and got away with it. What was to stop him doing it again and turning up in Ireland?

‘After the visit from DI Howard, I went outside the back door and smashed a vase in the yard. I’ve never done anything like that before. My anger scared me.’

Tina told me to focus on my breathing exercises and asked me if I was continuing my yoga practice at home.

I told her I’d decided to sell the house. It was even more urgent now, because I didn’t feel safe there alone. She asked if a sophisticated alarm system would make me feel safe. I knew that it was impossible to hide in a small village, but I was also too scared to move to a bigger unknown place; even Roscommon town was too big and noisy for me. ‘He will be able to find me, if he comes back here.’

‘I don’t think he has much interest in adult women, Sally. He’s eighty-four now? He must be frail. I doubt that you would be in physical danger from him. And we still don’t know for sure that he sent you the bear, though it seems likely. Is there anything else that worries you about him?’

I remembered my conversation with Mark at Udo and Martha’s party. ‘My fear of sex and relationships. That might come from witnessing things. I’ve found Google helpful, Tina, and I know you won’t approve, but I don’t think I’m socially deficient. Emotionally, I’m a child. Who says what they think all the time? Children. Who doesn’t consider sex or relationships at all? Children.’

‘Sally, it’s never a good idea to self-diagnose, but there may be something in what you are saying. Though you are certainly not socially deficient or childlike.’

I told her about the party and my conversation with Mark.

She was quiet for a moment. ‘This Mark, he knows your history, yes?’

‘As much as everyone with Google does.’

‘Do you think he might have been sounding you out because he was interested in you – romantically, I mean?’

‘No.’

‘Why not?’

‘Well, isn’t it obvious? I’m damaged.’

‘That’s not obvious at all, Sally. If I saw you in a bar or at a party, I would think you were a handsome woman. And since you started doing yoga, there is a lightness to your movements.’

‘I’m more aware of my core, I’ve been working on that.’

‘You have a lovely face. You look years younger than you are. Not a single grey hair. No wrinkles.’

I winced. ‘Yes, like a child.’

‘No, like a good-looking adult.’

‘But I told him I didn’t ever want to have sex, in front of the whole room. And I think people were shocked.’

She paused and asked me to breathe deeply for a minute.

‘You seem to be comfortable with your asexuality. Do you now think that’s something to be ashamed of?’

I hadn’t thought of that. Asexual.

‘But, Tina, I did imagine having sex with Harrison Ford, quite a lot.’

She smiled. ‘I think we’ve all done that. Sally, I’m not a sex therapist but –’

‘That’s okay. I don’t need sex or want it or miss it. I don’t even masturbate. I think you’re right. I’m asexual. That’s a relief.’

‘Why do you feel relieved?’

‘I like labels. Socially deficient. Asexual.’

‘You are not deficient. But maybe don’t talk about your sexuality with people you don’t know well. It’s a personal thing.’

‘Do you have a lot of sex?’ I was curious.

‘I’m not answering that. It’s personal and private.’

‘Okay, I get it.’

After that, we did some touch therapy. I allowed Tina to brush out my hair. It was surprisingly relaxing. She was shocked that I had never been to a hair salon. I always cut my own hair and tied it up in a bun. It was easier that way. Then she massaged my shoulders for a little while. I didn’t see the point of that.

As I was leaving, she reminded me again about the breathing exercises, and managing my anger. ‘Easier said than done,’ I said.

‘Don’t break things. Don’t strike out at anyone, unless you’re in danger from them. Just breathe through it. Play your piano.’

We had run over our time but I had to ask her. ‘Do you think I could be a piano teacher if I haven’t got any qualifications?’

‘I think so, but you would probably have to get garda clearance first in order to work with children. Teaching requires a great deal of patience, but you’ve been learning that, every time, in this room. Garda clearance might be tricky, though, because of the incident with your dad’s remains. Let’s wait a while?’

That afternoon, I went to meet Sue and Mark for coffee. The waitress took orders without having to write them down. I could do that, but I couldn’t work in a place with such awful music playing. She smiled at everyone she talked to. I struck waitressing off my mental list of possible jobs.

Mark joined me first and, as he sat down, Sue came in. There was a lot of what I now know is called ‘small talk’ before the smiling waitress presented us with menus. Sue handed me a Jamie Oliver recipe book, and I gave her a sheaf of pages, recipes I had printed from the BBC Food website, plus the ones I’d copied from Caroline at the Texaco.

‘So you like to cook?’