Читаем Shantaram полностью

‘I was not Sapna. But the responsibility for his killings does come back to me. Sapna killed for me-for this cause. And if you want me to tell you the whole of the truth, I did make a great benefit from Sapna’s bloody work. Because of Sapna, because he existed, and because of their fear of him, and because I made a commitment to find him and stop him, the politicians and the police allowed me to bring guns and other weapons through Bombay to Karachi and Quetta, and to this war. The blood Sapna spilled-it did oil the wheels for us. And I would do this again. I would use Sapna’s killings, and I would do more killings, with my own hands, if it would help our cause. We have a cause, Lin, all of us here. And we fight and we live and perhaps we will also die for that cause. If we win this fight, we will change the whole of history, forever, from this time, and in this place, and with these battles. That is our cause-to change the whole world. What is your cause? What is your cause, Lin?’

I was so cold, as the first flakes whirled about us, that I shivered and shook and couldn’t stop my jaw from shuddering.

‘What about… what about Madame Zhou… when Karla got me to pretend I was an American. Was that your idea? Was that your plan?’

‘No. Karla has her own war with Zhou, and she had her own reasons. But I approved of her plan to use you, to get her friend out of the Palace. I wanted to see if you could do it. I had the thought, even then, that you would one day be my American in Afghanistan. And you did well, Lin. Not many people do so well against Zhou in her own Palace.’

‘One last thing, Khader,’ I stammered. ‘When I was in jail… did you have anything to do with that?’

There was a hard silence, the kind of deadly, breathing silence that insinuates itself into the memory more deeply than the sharpest sound.

‘No,’ he replied at last. ‘But the truth is that I could have taken you out of there, even after the first week, if I chose to do it. I knew about it almost at once. And I had the power to help you, but I did not. Not when I could have done it.’

I looked at Nazeer and Ahmed Zadeh. They stared back evenly. My eyes shifted to Khaled Ansari. He returned my stare with an anguished and angrily defiant grimace that pulled his whole face into the jagged lash of the scar that divided his features.

They all knew. They all knew that Khader had left me in there. But it was okay. Khader didn’t owe me anything. He wasn’t the one who put me there. He didn’t have to get me out. And he did, in the end: he did get me out of jail in the end, and he did save my life. It was just that I’d taken so many beatings, and other men had taken beatings for me, trying to get a message out to him… and even if we’d succeeded, even if we’d managed to get a message to him, Khader would’ve ignored it, and left me there, until he was ready to act. It was just that all the hope had been so empty, so meaningless. And if you prove to a man how vain his hope is, how vain his hoping was, you kill the bright, believing part of him that wants to be loved.

‘You wanted to be sure that… that I’d be… so grateful to you. So you… you left me there. Was that it?’

‘No, Lin. It was just unfortunate, just your kismet at that time. I had an arrangement with Madame Zhou. She was helping us to meet with the politicians, and get favours from one of the generals from Pakistan. He was a… contact… of hers. He was, in truth, Karla’s special client. She was the one who first brought him, that Pakistani general, to Madame Zhou. And it was a critical connection. He was critically important to my plans. And she was so very angry with you, Madame Zhou, that nothing less than prison would satisfy her. She wanted to have you killed in there. As soon as my work was done, at the earliest day, I sent your friend Vikram for you. You must believe me when I tell you that I never wanted to hurt you. I like you. I-’

He stopped suddenly because I put my hand on the holster at my hip. Khaled, Ahmed, and Nazeer tensed at once and raised their hands, but they were too far away to reach me in a single springing leap, and they knew it.

‘If you don’t turn around and walk away now, Khader, I swear to God, I swear to God, I’ll do something that’ll finish us both. I don’t care what happens to me, just so long as I don’t have to look at you, or speak to you, or listen to you, ever again.’

Nazeer took a slow, almost casual step, and stood in front of Khader, shielding him with his body.

‘I swear to God, Khader. Right now, I don’t care much if I live or die.’

‘But, we’re leaving now, for Chaman, when the snow clears,’ Khader replied, and it was the only time I ever heard his voice waver and falter.

‘I mean it. I’m not going with you. I’m staying here. I’ll go on my own. Or I’ll stay here. It doesn’t matter. Just… get… the fuck… out of my sight. It’s making me sick to my stomach to look at you!’